I had to temporarily let go of my need to finish writing my book on Peace, the one that I’ve been working on for over twenty five years. I was guided that the posts that follow would be more important, and beneficial for anyone desiring a deeper understanding of being Human. This clarity can help us to steer clear of all the mis-information that our society presents as facts. These “facts” can actually prevent us from being “fully human.” What amazes me is that possibly the biggest con-job ever, has gone unnoticed for centuries? Talk about hiding in plain sight! This deception on emotions has even fooled me for the last 50years. It finally gave me the insight to see through the subterfuge, to the heart of the matter. I share what I have learned on my journey to clarity with you. This is why I chose to make this post the first one of this series.
The major thing that stands in the way of humans healing after traumatic events, is our tendency to repress our emotions, specifically traumas. Now don’t get me wrong, represssion does have it’s place when used correctly. The up side of repression, is the mind has the capacity to set our traumatic emotions aside to survive what could have easily overwhelmed us. When we are older, we grow into the tools we require to face our traumas. With age we develop a deeper understanding of the world. This emotional maturity helps us face and eventually conquer the traumas we have experienced. I believe you will understand when I say that there are things you are better equipped to deal with as an adult, than you would have been as a child. As an adult, new understandings shed their light on previous traumas.
This brings us to the down side to repression, emotions remain unreleased, and stuck in the body. The law of the conservation of energy explains this: It states that energy can neither be created, nor destroyed. Since repression of emotions does Not Destroy energy, I think I can safely surmise that these emotions remain stored in the body instead. Repression of emotions can trick us, with mirrors, and slight of hand making our emotions seem to disappear, but this is just an illusion. Like magic tricks, emotions use distractions to obscure, and hide from us. I spent many years finding a better connection to my emotions. When I succeeded, at first I thought I had made a mistake because I would find myself crying over some silly commercial. While this made me feel weak at first, I realized I had I had unexpectedly hit the jackpot to understanding feelings. As a result, I developed a much deeper understanding of human feelings. This is how I was able to feel the connection between between intuition and emotions. They are two branches fed by the same source. Contrary to public perception humans emotions, and feelings are not the same, they are very different. The reason we do not differentiate is we do not consider emotions important enough to explore deeper.
The reason I chose this post as first, is that while it may be true that repression can be helpful at first in the long run it can become a habit. The reason I realized that repression could interfere with letting go of emotions is, I finally came to an understanding that even though I thought I had dealt with being raped and abused a long time ago, I had actually used repression as a way to avoid my pain. The repression had initially helped me survive the rape and abuse, eventually became a crutch that I used to avoid dealing with the pain. In a sense, repression became my unconscious reason to avoid healing. When I finally faced the abuse, it felt like I l had lanced the boil/ infection of my abuse, and was finally able to release the poison of what had happened, and allow it to flow out of me. This allowed the abuse to be exposed to the light and heal.
In the interest of full disclosure, I am writing this post because when I was in grade school I was raped by the janitor in my school. He had lured me into the janitorial room with a sweet smelling liquid he said was cherry syrup. I had to spit it out because it turned out to be soap. He just laughed, and said, “Do you believe everything people tell you?” He grabbed me by the arm and told me to rinse my mouth out. I wasn’t paying attention so I didn’t notice him close and lock the door. He roughly pushed me over the big sink. As I tried to keep from falling in the sink, he pulled down my pants. At the time, I was so innocent I had no idea of what was happening. I was afraid; but I thought he was going to spank me as my dad did to me. The nuns were also fond of pulling down the student’s pants to spank them, I guess they figured it embarrassed us having our pants down around our ankles. None of this prepared me for what happened next. The janitor pushed me further over the edge of the sink, so I had to use my arms keep to from falling in. The pain I felt next caused me to leave my body. I was aware of floating out of my body, and I saw a bright light just above me. The voice that came forth from the light told me, “be not afraid.” I felt Peace and Love engulf me, and I lost all awareness of what was happening to me.
I came back to my body when the janitor stopped pushing against me. I was still unsure of exactly what had happened, but I felt pressure against my butt again, but less painfully than before. I watched as the janitor threw the paper towel he had used to wipe my butt over my shoulder into the sink. I wondered if he had spanked me too hard because there was a small amount of blood on the tissue that he threw in the sink. I finished dressing, and quickly went outside for the rest of recess. Nobody even noticed I had been gone, but that was not unusual as the other kids never really payed attention to me most of the time anyways. The next day was confessions, so I pretended to pray while I waited for the last person to leave confession. I went inside the confessional last even sure what to confess, but I could feel the janitor’s desires for me, so I thought did something wrong. After my confession, the priest told me he wanted to speak to me in the rectory. I was an altar boy, so I didn’t think twice about it. He told me very seriously that the janitor had placed a seed of evil inside me, and that my soul was in danger from what he did. The priest told me that the only way to fight this evil was to put a seed of good inside me every week to fight the evil. I figured out later the priest had turned my beliefs against me, and simply used my desire to be ”saved” to molest me. I felt so gullible that after it ended that I was too embarrassed to tell any one. I did not want to feel the pain from both the memory of the rape, and the priest’s betrayal. I repressed the memory, so forgot about it. I thought I had left it behind.
It was my rape and sexual abuse that eventually led me to write this post on repressed emotion because I had mistakenly believed that I had already dealt with my rape and abuse. Even though I had forgiven those involved, I had never stopped to feel the emotional pain of being raped, abused, and betrayed. I mean who would want to feel that? In fact, I unconsciously avoided feeling it, but you cannot release an emotion until you access it, and you cannot access an emotion until you feel it fully. I finally realized that I had bypassed what I felt, in order to take the higher road-forgiveness. I thought of the priest as a good man who was flawed, and in his weakness took advantage of children. I thought by forgiving the people that hurt me I was taking the higher road. I have found that I could not avoid the pain that lay embedded in the abuse. The problem is, in order to connect with an emotion you have to feel it, otherwise it is like shooting a target in the dark, and hoping you hit it. I have spent decades avoiding the pain of my abuse by repressing it, creating a large enough distance to keep it out of reach. Now, a few years later this abuse has surfaced again, and I realized I had only found different ways to repress the abuse, instead of dealing with it. Now it is time to heal it, and let it go. One of the things that empowers shame, is it is not about what you did. Shame cuts deeper because it is about you, that is why you need help to release it. When you get to a certain age, repression becomes a habit of avoidance, so you put off dealing with repression for too long. Good Luck! I will give some suggestions later on for dealing with repressed emotions that may help you.
When I was homeless for a period of 1 year, and 3 months, many of my previous experiences, thoughts, and, questions bore fruit, and ripened. It was as if the thoughts, and ideas in my mind had suddenly come into focus under a magnifying glass resulting in an amazing clarity. I will share some of what I have learned when I was homeless. They are things all humans should be aware of because they can lead us away from our oneness with the rest of humanity. For me It was like being in a school specially designed to answer all the questions that I had put aside over the years. The first thing I became aware of was a completely different understanding of human emotions. Emotions were much more than they seemed. Additionally they were linked to a higher form of guidance than just our mind. We have been taught over our lives that emotions are pesky annoying things, so we are better off ignoring them. The point is they are simply information that we ignore at our own peril.
The first thing I was shown was that “feeling” was part of an early warning system that we ignore because we are not taught to be comfortable with processing our emotions. We do not like being uncomfortable, so we find ways to avoid it. The second thing, was that feeling was actually part of a larger communication system that that consisted of two branches. Judgments, and lack of understanding cause us to ignore all this information. We must accept that we are made in The Creator’s image. Once we accept the truth of this, we can explore its deeper meaning. Obviously, we are not made in His physical image. If we explore our deeper aspect we will understand, made in his image does not apply to His, or mine, but instead what inhabits the body, our Spirit. It is our Spirit that is “made in The Creator’s image.” This becomes easier to see when we explore our “Spiritual” inheritance. From The Creator, we inherit our ability to create, and our power that utilizes our free will to choose to create what we want. The problem is we are taught to translate Power to mean “power over,” but since The Creator could have easily taken “power over” us and chose not to, His idea of power must then reflect some inner quality of power he gave to each of us, not “power over.”
I speak, of course, about the inner power that has been demonstrated to us by Gandhi, Jesus, and more recently Martin Luther King Jr. to name a few. In each of these cases there was no reason to have “power over” (external power) others. When you are connected to the power within you, there is no need to use power overs. Any influence they had, came from their example. People were simply inspired by their example, and chose to follow it. I think this is a good time to understand where our feelings originate, and their purpose. The only reason we have not understood the source of our feelings is we have never been interested in them. We avoid, and repress our feelings. I will cut to the chase here. One mistake we make is we forget that underneath our physical being lives our Spirit. We are told that we are made in the image of the creator, but we only give this lip service because we do not feel worthy of our divinity. This is the reason we misinterpret that we are made in the image of The Creator. If you are able to understand that beneath the surface of your physical self lives your spiritual being, then you realize that being made in the “image” of The Creator refers to being made in the image of His Spiritual Essence because He does not thave a physical body. We may depend on logic, but it does not have the capacity to know beyond what our mind knows. It does not see what lies beyond us.
This means your physical genetics are about what you inherit from your physical parents (logic, and looks), so it can only tell you about what you already know, or can deduct. Your mind is not capable of seeing beyond that. Only your Spiritual genetics, which is what you inherit from The Creator, are capable of seeing beyond. To give an exanple, the difference is like being on one of the old “tall ships.” If you want to see farther, you nust be up in the “crow’s nest” and rely on a telescope to extend your limited physical vision, but with the vision of your Spirit, there is no physical limits to what you see. This is how you can always see what is ahead of you, and know you are on the right path. It is the perfection navigation (GPS) system that always leads you to the correct place. It complicates directions because humans are in denial about their Spiritual Heritage, which makes you blind to the communicaion from your Spirit. Is is also why we do not understand that the “feelings” are the directions. It’s pretty simple though, our feelings come from our non-physical being, but we are taught to ignore them, which is why we so often ”feel lost” This is why we are afraid of, and misinterpret our feelings. We do not bother understanding because we think we already know. The thing is all this communication is received though our nonphysical channel. The trick is it doesn’t need translation, the mesessage is already contained in the essence of the feelings.
Emotions are also comminucated through this non-physical channel too, but since the only purpose of emotions is feedback, there is noting to do but feel, and then express them. The second branch of the non-physical communication is intuition, but since we do not understand its origin, we ignore it. If we paid attention we would notice it is communicated not words, but something harder to misinterpret – feelings. The only problem with intuition is since no one tells us we receive all these non-physical messages within, we ignore them. This is why you will always hear yourself, or others say, “I knew I should have, or I knew I shouldn’t have” and each time you will remember that inner warning, but since no one wanted you to find the power within you, they never told you. Of course, there is an even darker reason for not telling you about your inner power. For centuries men and those in powerhave waged an undeclared war against women. Of course, this War was never officially declared, so instead you see the actions of the war carried out daily on women likerape and murder. I won’t go into detail on this now, it’s a whole subject in itself. I will not delve into it until a later chapter were I can devote the time it deserves.
In a couple of “aha moments”when I was homeless, many things became clear to me. I realized that unless you express emotion they gets stored like the energy of a battery. This is to safeguard the memory of repressed emotions, until you are mature enough to deal with them. They are stored in a safe place where the energy remains accessable to our mind. As we process our emotions, we become stronger, and feel more comfortable with them. As we get practice processing, and dealing with our emotions, they seldom overwhelm us. When we do express our emotions, they lighten up and float away. Parents want to proect us from the emotions that are uncomfortable, because the do not want to see us in pain, but instead they unknowingly make us into emotional cripples, overwhelmed with every emotion. They spend the rest of our lives rescuing us. When you react showing children your pain, they will start crying. They will always respond to the pain on your face. Emotions are simply meant to be felt, and when they are felt their expression simply releases the emotion. Remember that is that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You can’t protect your children from pain, but you can be with them, and show them how to face it.
This all starts when we are very young. It happens unconsciously. Our parents have already learned that emotions are divided in to two types: good, and bad, so they hold judgments about them. They do not understand the purpose behind emotions, so they want to protect us from emotions that make us feel discomfort. It makes our parents feel uncomfortable to so they want to intervene. Parents are not taught that if they just asked us what we are feeling, and if necessary help them apply a label to the feeling they could help their children to understand what they were feeling. Once they are aware that they are just feeling an emotion, they will not be afraid unless parents show are. Since the purpose of emotions is to get feed back on a specific situation, it allows you know how to respond, and if your children should ask for help, give it to them. Once you know that they will be okay your worry will leave, then you can just sit with them, and say, “lets feel this together until it passes.”This gives them important information: that it is temporary, it will go away on its own, and they will be okay.
Children can seem to feel bad, so you are tempted to bribe them. “Don’t feel sad, or angry, have a cookie or piece of cake,” it seems harmless enough, but as they say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” The consequences of this are, they do not learn to process uncomfortable emotions. Since you can not be there every moment you keep them from being self sufficient, which means they can be overwhelmed by strong emotions. Unconsciously, they know you only give them bribes to avoid things you do not like. Over time they learn to avoid emotion, and since they never get the practice at handling emotion, they are overwhelmed by it, which reinforces th necessity of avoidence. With this approach, parents would simply help the children by being with them, and supplying them with needed Guidance. By sitting with their child as they experienced the emotion they would be able to see how much, or how little assistance the child needed to process the emotion. Do not talk your child our of their emotions. Don’t participate in the conspiracy of silence. Don’t teach them to repress emotions because while it can help them to survive a traumatic emotion, time will do the same thing.
We are taught to ignore our intuition as unimportant, but every time we ignore it, we limit the information available to make the correct decision. We are taught to prefer the power of logic, but logic doe not have power; it is simply a tool for our consciousness to use. While logic is portrayed as superior, it is really limited to what we already know. We can easily see beyond what we know mentally, but it requires access to our deeper guidance. Unfortunately, we are taught to ignore this superior inner guidance because those in power do not want us to look inside ourselves because we might notice that real power “lives within us.” To listen to your intuition you must access your feeling , which is the access toyour non-physical knowledge. It is the way your Spirit communicates information to you. Your Spirit does not have language, it lives in higher vibrations where it is not needed, it is much harder to misunderstand a feeling because either something, “feels right” or it does not. No other words are necessary. You can learn more about what direction to go next with, your “Spiritual GPS” start paying attention to the Information you receive. It will guide you flawlessly.
If you want some resources for dealing with repressed emotions, you can find help at consciouss breathing, or classes, or teachers of breathing, you can get releases with so help. If you have repressedfor a long time Art Therapy may help you reconnect.
© 2013 Dan Amato